Blessed but bittersweet day.

Change is hard.

For everybody and anybody, little changes or big changes can make us feel uncomfortable, excited, uneasy, scared, or overwhelmed.

As we drove four hours from the city of Chongqing to the city of WanZhou, my son was feeling many of these things.  

James or Jiao Jiao (his Chinese nickname) has experienced more change this week than most people do in year or maybe 10 years.  He has left the only home he has known to go to a new place with strange new people who look different, sound different, act different and even smell different.  So we knew going back to his orphanage would be confusing and challenging for him and for that reason, part of us didn't want to go. But this was our one and only chance to not only see where he lived but to meet and talk with his caregivers and see his little friends.  This was our opportunity to gather and preserve the little bit of his history we could for him.  It was really important to us to make the effort now so we could have it for him when he wants it later.  So we went. Before we left though, we asked Michael, our wonderful guide, to translate and explain to James that he was coming back to the hotel with us, that we would all be coming back together.

It was a long drive through beautiful, green mountains.  James was clearly unsure of the car ride and did not smile or make any sound.  Then we started going through several tunnels and he became very concerned - looking around to see where we were.  He cried when we stopped the car for gas and stopped when we didn't get out.  It was obvious he was upset with all that was going on.  We got to WanZhou and then to the orphanage and I placed him in our carrier so he would feel safe, secure, and know he wasn't leaving me.

This picture is after we've been there a while.  When we walked in, he got very upset.  We had not seen him cry like this at all.  Of course, I don't know exactly all he was thinking or feeling but I can only imagine how confused, scared, mad, and sad he must be feeling.  I'm sure he was completely overwhelmed by seeing and hearing the nannies and other children call his name, wondering if he was back to stay, not wanting to stay, wanting the familiar.  It was just so much for him.  So once I got him calm, Michael translated back and forth as we asked the head nanny questions about James- details about his daily life, personality traits, and more.  We also got to take lots of pictures which was great - we weren't sure if we'd be able to.  We learned a little from her answers but learned so much more from observing life there.  From seeing how the nannies interact with the children, seeing the rooms, seeing what it looked, smelled and felt like.  These details are all a part of James' story and we are saving them for him and for him to share one day.  

Here are a few pictures I can share:

WanZhou is a small orphanage by China standards.  There are two baby rooms like the one above.  There are other bedrooms for children older than 4.  There is also a common room and a small play room.

We brought some small gifts for the children.  The nannies are opening a package of toy cars and the children are waiting to get one.

If only we could have brought each one of these precious, beautiful children home.  So hard knowing that many of them will live their entire childhood here in these five rooms.

Our picture with the head nanny and two others.  

View leaving the orphanage and the view you could see from his floor although his bedroom was flanked by hallways so it didn't have windows to the outside. :(

When we walked outside, I again asked Michael to reassure James that he was leaving the orphanage for good and coming with us forever.  Michael spoke to James and repeated the sentences a couple of times.  Still sniffling from being so upset, he looked up at Michael, took the biggest deep breath, exhaled, and smiled.  If I hadn't witnessed it with my own eyes, I'm not sure I would have believed it.  For the third time that day, I cried.  I was overwhelmed with knowing that he had a moment of clarity and closure, feeling so heartbroken for his own broken little life and the other little ones left at the orphanage, and also feeling so grateful and hopeful that his story doesn't end there. 

Lunch was the first time all day that James began to smile, engage, and play like he has been. And lunch was also soooo delicious.  This area of China is know for its spicy food (and spicy women as we have been told) and the beef noodle did not disappoint.  I'm going to dream about that bowl of noodles for years. 

Streets of WanZhou

In from of the Yangtze River.  We are relatively close to the Three Gorge Dam.

Bell Tower built in 1930's as celebration of WanZhou as an industrial, port city.

 

The girls are good at finding anything to climb on, run around, or skip through.  They are missing their wide open spaces though!

Soccer stadium

My little buddy getting some backseat kisses on the way home.

Everyone had to catch up on some homework.

Finally, 10 long hours after we left that morning we made it back 'home'.

James was really happy to be home.